June 6 26
Hello. I'm going to use this as a journal. I think that I need to write more. There's alot that I think about, and I rarely write or note anything. Writing is hard for me in ways that it isn't for normal people. I often struggle trying to find what is adequate for me to write. Nothing that I conceptualize is seemingly ever put into words in the exact way that I would like it to. The result of this is an especially precarious motivation and greatly negatively impacts my ability to write. Of course, there are reasons for this; however they are factors that are outside of my own control and thus I must adapt to the situation. I'm writing for a number of reasons. I said that I believe I need to write more, but that is only a small part of it. Many days I find myself in the peak of frustration with my inattention and absolute dysregulation of my mind. It swells into pulses that make me clench my extremities and wish dearly to destroy something for no reason other than my mind. As one may expect, this has been a negative factor on my quality of life. Even as I am actively writing this (although not everything is "original". I do edit as I write), I am faced with the issue. Simply characterizing this issue in terms of scale is not what I think would be most accurate to this situation, and it could be described as within the basis of anything I do.
I get distracted often. It will be reflected in this journal (now for example.) I would like to indicate when something is a remark or thought I had afterwards. An asterick will indicate so. Normally this is something that would be done within the margins, but I am writing in a quite honestly rudimentary medium, so that is not an option.
* I thought about deleting this whole bit as I wrote it because I don't really think it's a useful part. I don't think a lot of what I write is actually important or meaningful, and I change it oftenly while writing.
When I was first thinking about writing this journal, I had in mind a number of issues that I thought may be important to cover regarding the start of this journal, but evidently, they have slipped my mind, so I will write whatever I would like as I sit here with this page open. I just put on Shostakovich's String Quartet No. 1. It sets a good mood for writing because it lets me concentrate. I am in an environment full of distractions, so it is important. Listening to music rarely helps me to concentrate in fact. Rarely does it ever CONSISTENLY help me to concentrate. I spoke to someone briefly about this before recently, but the effects that I get from music are
I don't even feel like finishing this. I'll leave it for another time.
June 7 26
I'm sitting here in front of my monitor, and I struggle to find what I should write about. There's nothing that instantly comes to mind. I don't have a specific niche at the moment. I guess I should maybe wrap up my thoughts from yesterday. I hate the way that I write. My syntax is very limited. It's not because I'm lacking in syntax knowledge, but the way that I think when I write is quite rigid. As a result, the flow is quite poor. However, I don't think I should fault myself for this. This segways into my next thought: I would like to use this just to write. Forget about the journal bit from yesterday. I wasn't very sure what I wanted to do at the time. I have a little more thought out now. I would like to have a pleasant website for whoever stumbles upon it. I have to touch up on my HTML and CSS knowledge. I would like to share music I'm interested in or I discover. There's a lot of bands that I find and I am always surprised by how good a specific track on one of their albums might be, but to my dismay they're always quite unknown. Whenever I find songs I really enjoy, I feel a strong impulse to share them, but I rarely do. I really was in a mood when I was writing yesterday. I felt terrible, hard to describe in text. Just a lot of unpleasant sensations that made writing in turn very miserable. I find it more enjoyable to do today, and I am listening to music as well while doing it.
The lack of having something to write about is quite troubling.
God I'm reading my writing while trying to think of something to write about and I sound like a total dork sometimes. I really can't help it sometimes. I could fix it, or make it more normal after, but it wouldn't be as genuine of a writing, and I wouldn't value that personally. As long as I'm self-aware about it I suppose it's not the biggest issue. I think I will come back once I have some ideas on what I should write about.